Most of us aren’t actually narcissists, but we do have the capacity to exhibit narcissistic behaviors. And when we’re unaware that we’re doing them it becomes an unsafe eggshell-y place for everyone around us.

Being on the receiving end of these behaviors can feel confusing and frightening. The gaslighting, the belittling, the denial, deflection, defensiveness, and distractions. The exploding anger at the loss of control. The looping of stories and tripping over their own words when called out on factual actions and things they’ve said. The lack of accountability and sincere recognition of the harm caused.

It’s taken me 32 years, several failed relationships of all kinds, and some deep acceptance to reach a point of walking away instead of staying and trying to fix things. It can be the most difficult thing to do when you care about the person. See the good in them. Appreciate and admire so many things about them. But it will never be enough.

If they’ve done anything for you they will be sure to hold it against you when their behavior is being called out. Trying to create feelings of guilt and shame so they don’t feel so small in themselves. Dismissing your feelings and experience in favor of theirs. You should clearly be loyal and devoted to them. They are in charge and your fears mean you are easy to manipulate. You are responsible for what comes out of their mouth AND the emotional reaction they have, obviously.

This is what I’ve experienced time and time again. I grew up with parents who were this way, and still have these patterns. I’ve been in relationships with people I deeply care about who exhibit these behaviors. I see it in our entire governmental system and larger society.

No one is coming to save us, but us.

No shade for anyone out there protesting. This is how it feels to me.

The most toxic relationship. Screaming and over explaining your needs to someone who simply cannot or refuses to meet them for whatever reason and then letting the fear and anger be the thing that keeps you from walking away and placing your energy elsewhere when you see the person exhibiting narcissistic behaviors. And somewhere deep down, believing that they actually care about you, so you accept any breadcrumbs they offer even though you know they aren't going to change.

I’m learning to direct my energy towards my own health and growth and to ripple this out to the people around me. I’m learning to set boundaries and work through fears around needing the person or entity that is abusing me to see me and meet my needs. I’m learning that I always have a choice and that it is my responsibility to speak up for myself, hold myself and others accountable, and use my energy to help others rather than focusing on the places I don’t want to see grow. I’m learning to not allow abusers access to my precious energy. Even if they come in the form of otherwise wonderful people. Especially when they come in the form of oppressive dictators.

When something is on fire of course it must be put out. I’m curious, how do we work in our own individual and communal lives to suffocate these flames in a way that doesn’t simultaneously fuel them? What boundaries are you working on setting? How do you hold yourself and others accountable? What ways do you keep a growth mindset so you don’t feel defeated out here in this world? How do you take your power back from the places that drain it? How do you do these things with love in your heart?

My words, my creativity, my experiences shared are gifts to this world. And so are yours. Suppress these things and the narcissism has won. Protest. Speak your truth. Rage it out. Be mindful when this energy starts to feed the very thing you wish to dismantle. Alchemize your rage, your grief, your anger. Watch that you don’t end up becoming the very narcissist you seek to destroy. Turn these emotions into compassion, strong boundaries, a healthy self. Take care of yourselves and each other. That is the ultimate revolt.

With love for everyone struggling to escape narcissistic behaviors on either side,

Sarah ~ The Wandering Storyteller

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